The Outlaw and Arri Kanina

All for love

　

 

　
She played my favourite music. I imagined her as Helen of Troy, Goddess of my dreams and that she was in the flick of an eye and then gone. We walked the hardwood hills… naked and laid in the leaves.

　

　

　

　
It is all mixed up with her. The fucking talking playing working eating sleeping laughing reading. Orgasm. All of it. A genius could not sort it. And why bother. Except I worry it is only for the fuck. The unbelievable fucks.

27 May

I worry too that I am seducing her. That she has lost her mind to need desperation and that when I go she will be devastated. I can not go now without thinking of these things without suffering her pain. She will survive it. All brumakki do. But will I get by her pain. My pain. Without her

It is under control now today. Chaya is happy. Young Light is happy. Quiet. All is quiet in my head … to focus on my lover.

Arri read my letter, my fantasy vision. She said she was not used to performing and that is what it is.

You do not need to do it if it makes you uncomfortable It is my fantasy not yours.

I want to do it. It excites me. I want to dress and undress many times for you.

Was a bit embarrassed that I may have led her into something she may not have wanted to do. But would do it for me. There was no way out now She was determined, in her silent way, to do it. For her as well hopefully. Could not determine her full motivation. I would have to follow it through to know if I had made a mistake.

Those debilitating accusations of slimy lustful dirty old men. Brumakki users abusers . Churned in my stomach stirring up guilt. I had to take Arri at face value. She is an intelligent independent bruma. Knows her own mind and body. Does not hate men. Is not a victim. Enjoys her body sex lust laughter pleasure. Equals mine.

We embraced. Pushed our bodies in tight. Pelvis to pelvis. Breasts to chest. Hands to buttocks. Pulled together. Her language allayed my worries doubts. Yet, I continued to search for signs of betrayal in her words, her touches, looks as I swelled against her.

I washed up from a basin a bit shy in front of her as she watched and asked how I would feel if she wrote the same letter to me. Nervous, uneasy, not sure really but the idea of exercising her fantasy delighted me… would it be… will it be?


She said she could not imagine a fantasy that could be better than the real thing than what we have, do now. Nor could I as we talked. The fantasy was no longer urgent. The letter was written when she was not around… generated by the memory of earlier lust. What was to come would inflame my wildest fantasies… as always… a surprise… that extraordinary love. I assured her it did not matter now but, I knew I was going to get what I asked for. She changed from her blue work jeans into black tights skirt a loose black top showed the swelling of her nipples.

I went to bed before her, undressed slowly in case she was watching and slid between the cool cotton sheets anticipating her. She came from the shadows to my side intent on her mission. My head was at the level of her knees as she leaned against the bed looking down from that great height as an Amazon woman. She rocked her pelvis toward me inviting me to make the next move to break the spell… from fantasy to reality, before she could enjoy it… get-give pleasure. She arched rocked swayed her pelvis further toward me. I rolled her nipples between my fingers. She was moving into the other realm… losing herself in pleasure. She sat down on the edge of the bed, arched her back over me. I raised her skirt. My fingers were lost in her. She was playing the whore for me or was simply lost in the pleasure of her own body in front of an approving audience… watching herself in the mirror rocking on me front to rear.

Oscillating buttock. Buttocks that I had only ever seen in my fantasies or in playboy magazine… perfect firm buttocks framed by the curved legging trim of her white cotton panties that trailed down between her soft inner thighs and eyes.

It was all panic, crying rubbing rocking as she pulled the trim aside inviting me inside. As she masturbated simultaneously.


It was all real… all fantasy… all fabulous

I worry now

That she may leave

That she may not understand

How profoundly I need her

For eternity

I worry now

That she may be afraid

From the times of her past

To venture

Into new beginnings

With me

Too vulnerable to begin

A beginning with me

Too afraid of the pain

Again

I know it is selfish

But isn’t it the ultimate gift to another

To her

The ultimate embrace

Of admiration

Of respect

To want to love her

As I love her

Her mysteries

She is pure love

And I am in love with her

Her will fascinates me

Un revealed

I enter her

Enormous cup

Stand on its rim look in and in and in

Into deep, deep dark

Flowing liquid

And am a speck in her infinity

And my own

I enter

With all that I have

But in some ways naked

As if newly born

To be born into another

Beginning

On top of all the other beginnings

That never leave

A part of the all

Of me

To stay

To enrich

To fulfill

And I need her

To enrich

To fulfill to stay… until. If she must go

I worry I may be too strong

For her

Fighting behind walls

In terror

Remembering

No memories of imposed memories

Now

To go to her

After these thirty years

To touch her

Before she speaks

Of the tricksters.

9 December 9:15 am

Day two

Seems like year 20

10 more to go

Before tomorrow

Before more beautiful pain

Than I can just bear

Today

My first waking thought

Of her

The feeling for her

At chakra one

It is ecstasy

My chest pumps pain

Unbearable pain

In anticipation of a tumultuous event

About to plunge

Into its infinite down-ness

To soar up

To the other side

The soul

Beyond time and space

In love with love

In love with pain

We walk toward each other

And into each other

Every fibre mixing

Forcefully

With each other

Tearing for escape

For union


For release

A moment until the passing

To the other side

Of her

Romantic heroes

Other times

My heroes

My lovers

Who comforted me

Imaginings times

Ahead

Living ahead

Of my time and space

She takes me to it again

A coming home

Not quite

The journey was there

From there to here

Now

It makes the difference

Then simply returning

More of a visit

To embark in new directions

A starting again

But not born again

This time

Passion

Love with the lover

Abandonment of fear


She opened her heart way

To me

She

Goddess of wisdom

Pure knowledge

Pure knowing

Pure giving

Love,

Has time

These thirty years past

Not made you submit

To the driven impulse

That knows no intellectualization

No nation

No borders

No gravity

Or rationalization

No argument

That knows not knowing

Feels

Only chaotic

Blissful impulse

The agony

To move to the precipice

Immaterial

Into flowing dark liquid

Surrounded

Embraced

The arms of your lover

Pulling you

Into the centre

Through to another starting

That you pain for

That I pain for

10:56pm

Return to your believing

In all good

Friend ships for ever

Return

To your pure thoughts

So that I may enter you

New

For new startings

Without hesitation

Without compare

Without memory

Only anguished anticipation

For enrichment

Sweet

Fulfillment

As not before

To enter your

Now as I

Big arms embrace, tenderly caress

10 December

Day 30 year 9:30 - 11:45am

Too many interruptions

Unwanted

Intrusions

Today

Violent assaults

On my need for privacy

Demands to speak

Words

That

They to invade

My inner thoughts

In other realms

Love

Her

12:21pm

Too much invasion

To dwell on her

Here

Too many eyes

Looking inside

Me

Needing to escape

But it is the only way

To be close to her now


But I must depart

To un blissful places

Bid adieu

12:26pm

Steps on the stairs

Invaders

Adieu, adieu

　

　

　

I cannot forget her but, there is no way back. She turned her back on me and went into her secret places, leaving me with only assumings …

She left our world and that world left me to only dream of it… to dream it again into existence, to wrestle in the early winter snow, flicking it into our faces in mock battle, battles of laughter, filled with rich anticipation, warm soapy water to sculpt our bodies with slippery hands and artful fingers.

We talked dirty talk and I wrote dirty songs, while listening to her black woman singing sultry, sweaty, provocative Mississippi Delta Blues…



GREASE IT


Grease me up honey

Stick your bolt in

And screw it up tight

I’m a bit dry

And a bit loose

She said

This thing ain’t been used in a while

My man has been a little down

Grease it up good honey

Wrench me down hard

My man went out on a job

Boltin down new things

To the floor

Won’t be back til tomorrow

So grease me up good honey

We got the whole night

To fix this thing

I want the biggest bolt you got in that box

Let me check it out for myself

Ooh yeah yeah

That feels just about the right size

It’s a bit crooked though

You been usin dat thing before

On some other floor

Sure was baby

Greasin it up and up

Practicing for you

　

Yeaaaah…

I like a man who knows what to do

Who has experience

Now get down here

Grease me up

And bolt this thing to the floor

We got da whole night

Yeah baby

You got a good lookin thing

A real good lookin thing

I got some sand paper in this box

To grind it down

And fasten it right

Now part yourself honey

This bolt is bigger tonight

Goin take a little more greasing

Gotta cover it all over baby

With that slippery stuff

To screw it smooth

Give it to me in my hands

And the nuts too

I’ll lick that grease in every thread

You sit back there and relax

This is goin take a while

We got da whole night honey

We got da whooole night

My man is out on a job

He won’t be back til tomorrow afternoon

Good man

Yeah he is a good man my man

He knows how to fix himself without troubling me

Now get off that chair

And fix my thing to the floor

Tonight it belongs to you

You gotta go tomorrow

My man will be back all fixed up

But tonight it belongs to you

It’s all greased up

And tonight baby

It belongs to you

Thaaat feels better

Yeah

Its good and tight

Grind it down more

Its still stickin out a bit

Grind it some more

Keep grindin

That feels better

My spirit are getting up

I’m getting down into myself again.


　

 

 

 

　
 "He carries his gun outside of his pants... for all the world to see"  Townes Van Zandt... In fact, he wears no pants. He is the Outlaw... the Metaphoric Man, Man Without Power... He is Monad, inside this plastic prism. He is exotic, chaotic, alpha to omega... from the first cell, from the toxic pool, wading through the junk yard, 3.5 billion years... as a man thinketh, unravelling the immaterial mysteries of his Helix.

 

Selamat tinggal.