(Correction to the previous blog: A Sad Woman… A Sad Man. The paragraph beginning with “It is all fascinating and absolutely frustrating…” is a reply to MacD from Xrod, about half way down in the blog.)
The following exchanges between me MacD and me has compelled or challenged me to re visit some graphic oil paintings I did in 1993/1995 on the subject of religious dogma. She calls it “nonsense”, referring to dogma. I understand the word “nonsense” to mean a “bit of silliness“, that has rained terror, death and physical destruction upon humanity and the earth for generations, centuries and even millennia. Have we heard any apologies or explanation or seen any remorse for the unimaginable human atrocities at the hands of those who professed to know the word of God. I cannot imagine any graphic image that could replicate the horror of that reality. Yet I feared aghast and deafening silence from an apathetic public, at least in my own mind, if not in reality at the sight of my works, which represent a period of my life where I was in deep search, deep conflict and ignorance of Christianity and “spirituality“. However, those works were a significant part of my struggle to find enlightenment, conviction and truth on the human journey,
I worked in secret, with a technique of figurative abstraction, to disguise the imagery because I was afraid of authority. The irony was that I myself did not know what was emerging on the canvas. I would start applying paint with no preconceived concept, working consciously, purposely as a child. If nothing was connecting with my consciousness, I would wipe it off with turpentine and start again. Each wipe off would leave a ghost of the layers before it. Eventually and always, parts of an image would begin to emerge. Then I was onto something.
Fundamentally, I am a figurative painter but, detest realism, as ultimately boring. Photography does a better job at that. So, I would work at those emerging images until figures appeared in the fog of abstraction around it or them. That’s where I knew I had to leave it... unfinished?… perhaps! Like this one, which I call “HIGH MASS” , loaded arrogance, sperm and blood in a field of chaos or in a “theatre of war“. That placed me in personal conflict with the religious indoctrination embedded in my psyche.
If I was angry, I was suppressing it… even to myself but, I was taking great pleasure in the actions. I felt a mindless need to strike back. And no doubt, the passionate relationship with Arri Kanina during that time was profoundly important. She participated, never criticised and was always there for support, as I thought at that time, which was decisively important to me and a powerful influence in the sexual elements, for which I offer no apology. I was thoroughly enjoying the art of it, even violating, dismissing the divinity of the “Golden Ratio” for the instinctive (genetic) imperative…not concerned if the light was from one or multiple directions.
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High Mass
When the works were finally realized on the canvas I would title it with religious language metaphors, like the painting above… High Mass. Followed in subsequent paintings with: The Creation of Adam; (Creazione di Adamo); Amor Invigor This is My Body; The New Covenent;
MacD
I am revisiting my statement that all "religion is bullshit". It's not quite accurate and quite a lazy opinion. More true is my position that religious dogma is nonsense, although some common core tenets, such as peace and brotherly love, have value to society. Unfortunately, the organizations are corrupt, and they insist on rules of exclusivity, meaning their way is the only way. The "I am right and you are wrong" righteous thinking has disastrous social implications, which we have seen historically and continue to suffer today.
We are all 99.99% identical, genetically. It's that .01% difference, and religious dogmata that has us killing each other, now and throughout history.
I think that in the bigger picture, non of it matters
Xrod
Where did “Peace and Brotherly love come from? Who created that? That is the question. One assumes it came from the origins of religion which I doubt. Did you ever read the book by Joseph Campbell... Hero With A Thousand Faces. It’s been years since I read it and really must do again. All religions continue to promote a fantasy and has concocted language embedded with this fantasy. Hence, it is still a dangerous institution, that usurps the forces of nature and promotes conflict and war, while at the same time pretending to be saintly with their centuries and millennia of flaming appropriation of human ideals. Ideals that do not need the face of “religion” to be proud and honourable.
Creazione di Adamo (creating Adam)
MacD
Hebrews 13:1 continue to love each other as brothers and sisters
There are many references to 'brotherly love' listed in the Bible, as I discovered via Google. However, that still doesn't determine where it began. The Golden Rule….to treat each other as we wish to be treated. Same thing….not sure where that began. Early philosophers?
But the point I make is that it is a beneficial tenet in many religions, regardless of its source, and remains central to many religious teachings.
Why is the source so critical?
Xrod
That is an interesting question and it disturbs me... can feel that in my stomach... need to think about why my reaction to it. Will get back to you after I give it some thought.
Xrod
Your question came across to me as a voice of authority, in the face of which I lost my confidence years ago. I spent my whole life in profound fear of authority. Your question harkened me immediately back to those stomach sick times in my life. I am sure you did not mean it that way. But it struck me that way… like catching me off guard.
It was an excellent question and I thank you for it… reminding me of my weakness. It is ironic that my art deals with that head on. Virtually every one of my art endeavour scares the shit out of me. Basically, I am a whimpering coward. I should be a nervous wreck by now except, consequently I am protected by some mysterious limitation that prevents me from taking real risks or making real challenges to the debilitating mundane social code.
Nonetheless, I am determined to challenge that which I feel is immoral and ingenuous. I grew up in and around religion. All my siblings are religious believers, on one level or another, as are some of my friends in Halifax past and present. I do not fight with them and get along amiably but, my guts are turned over on a regular basis. That culture questions nothing and complains about all the sin in the world and “Jesus” is the only way to salvation. None of my family talk about my art and virtually avoid appearing art my art shows. Those who do come do so only patronizingly… pretending. That does not bother me except, why do they, with smiling faces simply accept all the corruption in the world. So they go to church to have the theologian absolve them of their apathy, which they label. “… love each other as brothers and sisters!” Fundamentally, it means nothing to them. And some brothers and sisters kill each other, as do mothers and fathers because, their lives are meaningless or so pathetically boring. The “brotherly love” garbage does not work. Yeah, there are some martyrs to the cause, but are they happy.
The cause has to work. But look at the poverty, the greed, the dying children, the devastation in the world. Go and get your theological absolution in the culture of apathy, with the “volunteer” pats on your back, until we blow ourselves up. And keep angrily, impatiently blowing your horn at the slow driver in front of us, on our way home from church or to Tim’s to sit around “solve the world problems” before we have to get home to watch Jeopardy, or Dragon’s Den or some other piece of mindless commercial propaganda.
Yeah… who knows where “Brotherly Love” comes from but, don’t use it on me. It is too loaded with vested interest, insincerity, patronization.
Amor Invigor (raising Lazarus)
Yeah, maybe I was angry and ranting but, no apologies offered.
Ok... “Why is the source so critical?”... it was probably corrupted from some genuine act of kindness because, it certainly is meaningless these days. It would be an interesting etymological investigation.
Ciao m’love
MacD
I am quite moved by your response, and you're correct….I certainly did not intend to be authoritative or to evoke stomach churning. Unknowingly though, mea culpa. Quite naturally and routinely I pose similar questions to myself. Examining the roots underneath the opinions we form is not something many people do, it is usually painful. But how can we be clear about our intellectual premises if we don't question the emotional undercurrent that takes us there?
Our biases form the basis of how we view the world, and if we are looking for truth, we need to be aware of the filters we see through. Whenever I see anger, in myself or others, I know there is hurt or pain beneath it, sometimes not clearly connected to the angry voice, but there nonetheless.
Your self perception surprises me. Through my eyes you are one of the brave ones….defying the pressures of conformity to live truthfully and express it through art.
Socrates said "an unexamined life is not worth living"………he chose death over exile or forced silence. Most lives remain unexamined, like sheep being corralled by corrupt leadership without question.
In friendship,
PS I love the pink fat lady.
MacD
I can only speak for myself, hence all the "I"s that follow.
There is a constant seeking motion in my life, like a current. I listen to people espouse their views, some I am in complete disagreement with. I either walk away, or consider how they might have come to those conclusions. I'm rarely tempted to argue with them because their eyes are closed and they can't hear. But sometimes the source or bias of their opinion is quite clear. Sometimes I can pose a question that makes them think, but not often. I pose the same questions to myself all the time. "What is my true motive here?" Am I seeking attention, praise, confirmation, manipulation? It's important to me that I am honourable to myself in the real reason for my action. It's kind of a self-checking behaviour.
When I find myself adamantly for or against something, I check my motives. Have I closed a door or opened one in my mind. I don't know any other way to discover whether my bias is leading me to react, or if my curiosity remains open and active. The practice of this has led me to be less judgemental (I hope) and more open to ideas I don't currently espouse. I'm seeking to find my own truth, not by getting caught up in the untruths of others, but by staying open and seeking onward. Their beliefs are their life sentence, not mine. But we learn from others. Sometimes being exposed to a new mind can be a gift that results in clarity, or a new way to consider something.
Where I fail miserably is in contributing to society. How can I do this? What can I contribute of meaning? And so all of my knowledge seeking and examination is self serving, and that makes me a sad woman. Those who have the ability and truthfulness to contribute positively, on whatever scale, are my heroes.
Xrod
"We ought not to die before we have explained ourselves to each other" Thomas Jefferson to John Adams
I have inserted this attachment in one of my blogs... probably you have seen it.
Maybe that is the first step in “brother and sister” love. I do not feel the impulse to question whether I am seeking attention or praise. I act upon the first impulsive thought in my mind. That comes from the source, like “A Sad Man” project. It broke out and demanded action. Then come the other thoughts... public praise, confirmation, manipulation, success... unavoidable fantasies, which I put aside and get busy with the doing. The ‘source’ being that genetic library on the human journey.
Recalling the image of the initial inspiration is the most difficult task, lest the nuances become manipulation from my corrupt mind. I must simply be the
messenger not the editor. I saw a picture of it in my mind and I must re-create that, to the best of my ability. This takes me back to my art school days when the instructor would tell us to look very quickly at a subject/model. Then look away and draw what you remember. The picture you would draw will not look at all like what you saw. One had to be true to that lightening flash memory. The nose may be much bigger, the eyes pop, the lips are angry, the ass is fat or skinny, the model would be happy or angry. It is amazing what the mind receives from the real person in an instant and the difference from one student to another... fascinating.
Wow... what a treat you are MacD!!! to drag all of this out of me and to share your feeling and perceptions. Reminds me of that song by Kris Kristofferson that Janis Joplin belted out so eloquently... Me and Bobby McGee... “Bobby shared the secrets of my soul”.
My arms are all cut up with the chicken wire... looks like I have been in a fight with an angry feral cat. I am using the wire to create the body shape for A Sad Man. Am actually wrapping my body with it... in sections... will need nine modular parts, legs, pelvis, torso etc, then cutting them off after shaping. Six parts are completed. When all the parts are completed, I will wire them together and it will be my body shape. And I have the power to make myself six foot six... not a mere five foot eight... Ha
MacD
Thanks for that, and good luck capturing that first image of The Sad Man.
After writing to you this morning, I thought further, and decided I could sum it all up by simply saying….
I try desperately not to buy into my own bullshit.
Such is the struggle...
End of discourse with MacD
I speak not from authority but from conviction, which invigorates my quest.
This was not the state of my mind 20 years ago when I was engaged in that ‘93-’95 painting series. I had no answers nor questions… was simply vacuous but inflamed with passion and terrified of authority.
This is my Body (take and eat in remembrance of me)
I think it was not possible for me to reach my present level of consciousness without having first exorcised the mind blowing dogmatic indoctrination seated deep in my genetic memory bank. I might rightfully say that I just got here as of yesterday, so to speak loosely… to this level of clairvoyant conviction
Salamat tinggal Rod rod_malay@hotmail.com
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